At a distance we saw what one would assume to be ladies in dire need of assistance. Fumbling and rolling haphazardly on the cobblestone curb were a pair of effete 'Cougars' in their natural habitat. This was apparently a sly attempt to lure in unsuspecting prey. They were quite easily 15 years our senior, if not more. The years of tanning and layers upon layers of makeup did little to mask times ravaging grip that was draining their fleeting youth. The tight fitting jeans and protruding bust line had yet to catch the attention of passersby, perhaps more akin to these tactics than we, we were still obliged to offer a helping hand to at least get them on their way. Most wouldn't assume a man of my stature would be able to lift the unruly, slipshod body of a cougar weighing in at 10 stone to their feet, but I was forced to do so thrice.

Now 12:45, our civic duty compassed, we made our way to Gritty's to play out the remainder of the evening. We bellied up to the bar and figured we would get two rounds under our belts before a stumbling trek back up Munjoy hill. All of a sudden a plastic cup, with some clear liquid contained within, was thrust towards my face... half of which seemed to make its way to my clothing. "Uhsh muh.. pfft... help drinhk this.. nuhp, uhhh... redbull and vodka" and mounds of heaving flesh were now rested on my shoulder. "Whush are yew drunking?" as more clear liquids sloshed upon my face. This one was obviously a few years my junior, and fairly attractive, but the mumbling incoherent babble spewing from her glossy, pouty lips was in no way winsome. I kindly finished the remainder of her drink as she requested and made efforts to chat her up for a few minutes. In reality I was just nodding my head every few moments after she would take a breath and pause after an utter mess of verbiage stopped falling from her face. Sure, I'll be cordial and inviting for comedic value.. but sorry Stumbly McStumblekins if your demeanor was a resume submitted to win me over.. it's written in aquamarine crayon and you're not getting hired. Time to skedaddle, it was about that time anyway.

/fin